Are You Even a Pole Instructor If You’ve Never…

Been Kicked in The Face

After you’ve been teaching a while you do get adept at the matrix lean, lest you get a limb to the face. But, sometimes your spidey senses fail you and a surprise body part comes swinging through the air, and before you know it you’ve taken one smack bang in the mug. Ouch! We love our students though so we don’t mind.

 

Had someone fart on or around your body

We’ve all been there… spotting someone as they get into that new trick you’ve just showed them, tapping legs, face mere inches from their butts, and then it happens… In all of that concentration and tensing the muscles they’ve let one rip, it was inevitable!

Don’t worry students, it happens to us all! A little bit of flatulance is bound to happen in these situations and it’s nothing we haven’t seen (or heard or smelled) before!

Gots totes emosh over a student’s progress

They start out as sweet little caterpillars who can barely fireman spin, and before you know it they are climbing, inverting, and hair flicking their way through the studio. It is hard to NOT feel like a totally proud pole mamma when this happens. So let yourself feel it! You’ve worked hard to help them progress this far.

Got up close and personal with someone’s intimates / seen some one’s nipples / flaps / balls

Just like with the farting… you come up close and personal with people’s intimates on the regular. Whether this is during spotting or watching them to check their technique. It is not a surprise when a flap, nipple or ball pops out to say hello, after all, with tiny pole clothes comes endless possibilities for your privates to become not so private.

As instructors, this is nothing we haven’t seen before. Much like your local spray tanner, we’ve seen bits of every variety. So, if you’re a student reading this, do not fear if something accidentally comes out, we’ve seen nipples of every shade and size. If in doubt, we can recommend the very best places to find pole wear that keeps you covered up!

 

Let your freak flag fly

Apparently we count as ‘fitness instructors’ but that doesn’t stop us from letting our freak flags fly. Whether we are turning up to teach class in unicorn onesies, coming up with weird and wonderful ways to warm you up, or just generally going a little bit crazy during lessons. Your pole instructor is bound to be one of the most wacky, awesome people you know.

Basically gone through every stage of grief when a student moves to a class you don’t teach or to a new area

They’ve been your student for months, possibly even years, and now they are moving to a new class or new pole school. Of course, you are gonna go through every stage of grief…

Denial – OK girl, you’re probably not moving anyway so it’s all fine.

Anger – What? Am I not good enough for you???

Bargaining – Alright, but a 2 hour drive to come here isn’t THAT difficult.

Depression – *dramatic wailing*

Acceptance – Fine, but you’re coming back to watch all our showcases and party at our socials.

 I admit, that might be a bit over dramatic, but having a loyal and long term student leave or move classes can definitely be a little bit of a heartbreak. After all, they do become a part of your pole family, and things just aren’t quite the same once they are gone.

Had a heart attack whilst teaching a class

“Right class, we will take it in turns to try this move so that I can spot you individually to begin with.”

5 seconds later and you catch a naughty student doing their own damn thing in the corner of the room. Consequently you almost have a heart attack and drop dead right there. Whether they are kicking up into a shouldermount like you’ve told them not to do 1000 times, or have gone completely off syllabus and decided to try that crazy shit they saw Shane Godliman do on his instagram even though they’ve never flipped in their whole life and this is week 4 of a beginner course and you’re just about to lose your shit. And breathe.

Students… don’t scare the crap out of your instructors! We tell you these things because we love you and also we don’t want you to die!!!

Had anxiety ridden teaching dreams

You wake up drenched in sweat, panicking. You had a horrible nightmare… your poles were falling apart, your studio was suddenly too small, or you had far too many people, you couldn’t find any of your equipment and everything that could be going wrong was. Don’t worry, it was all a dream!

 

Been tagged in THAT video 1000 times

You know the one… yeah, that one.

Got in at 11pm at night, eaten super noodles and then fallen asleep in the bath

Sometimes you just don’t have the energy to cook, bathe yourself properly AND be a fully functioning pole instructor all in one evening. If you are one of those magical creatures who does perfect meal prepping and always looks like they’ve stepped out of a beauty salon… tell me your secrets, ’cause at the moment I more closely resemble a barely human creature who fell into the bargain bin in the children’s section of the charity shop and sustains life by rifling through the bins outside MacDonalds.

♥♥♥

What are some of the things you’ve experienced as a pole instructor? Leave your anecdotes in the comments below.

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